[Quack Attack]

Just in from the future: Meet the HoloDuck



Wednesday, August 06, 2008 RYAN WHITE
The Oregonian Staff

Oregon quarterback Nathan Costa and receiver Jaison Williams were two of four Ducks who, thanks to Nike, spent time this summer improving their vision with light boards and stroboscopic goggles. "I think it's probably the next 'thing' that's on the horizon," Oregon receivers coach Robin Pflugrad told The Oregonian's John Hunt on Monday.
It's also only the beginning . . .


EUGENE, August 2028 -- The latest in a long line of "next things" at the University of Oregon was unveiled Tuesday when the athletic corporation showed off its new HoloDuck.

It's like the Holodeck, you know, from Star Trek?" coach Mike Bellotti 2.0* said. "Our quarterbacks were able to spend the offseason simulating the entire schedule. Unfortunately, Dennis Dixon Jr. spent half that time playing holo-baseball. I worry about that."
Inside the HoloDuck, players are greeted, as they are all over the athletic campus, by a waterfall. Oregon's sports psychologist, sports hypnotist, sports astrologer and director of sports-related brain functions all agree the waterfall is very relaxing -- unless you've spent too much time in the hydration room.

After an introductory statement from Bellotti 2.0, Oregon officials presented the media -- 25 bloggers Twittering away -- with a game-day demonstration that began with Phil Knight 1.2 strolling the field, enjoying the chants of the student section.
(Knight himself remains cryogenically frozen in his Autzen Stadium suite and is only thawed for home games and bowl games -- unless it's the Sun Bowl.) "We thought it would be a great way to honor Mr. Knight," Nike president Galen Rupp said on a video conference with the Twitterers. "I wish I could be there to share in the tour, but I'm running. And running. And running. And running. "And running."

The latest addition to Oregon's now $7 billion athletic campus isn't without controversy. "It'd be nice if regular students could simulate something, anything," the university's professor said. No one's sure what his name is.
Anyhow, on the strength of early-season simulations -- leaked online -- the coaches ranked the Ducks fifth in the nation with one coach, Joe Paterno, giving them a first-place vote.

Oregon's athletic director, Swoosh, said the football HoloDuck was just the first of a dozen that will be built near the new $500 million basketball arena, a much-needed replacement for the decrepit 15-year-old $200 million arena. The next will be for the national championship competitive cheer team, which once again beat its only competition, Maryland, for that title.

* Bellotti retired 10 years ago -- just as the athletic department set itself up as a separate business so as not to have its credit rating shredded by the university proper. Unable to find a suitable successor, his playbook, pregame pep talks, halftime sledgehammer dances, news conference soundbites, mannerisms, voice and early-century mustache were programmed into Apple's new iCoach software, developed in conjunction with, of course, Nike.