NASCARS New Years Resolutions

Phils20 · #1 (**permalink**) 01-04-2008, 07:45 AM

This was written by Tom HIggins, and I enjoyed it enough to want to share it!

It's not even the New Year yet and already I have broken a resolution.
That promise was to NOT write a column this year suggesting resolutions for figures involved in NASCAR.
Sorry, but I can't keep it.
Here goes:
I Chad Knaus, the much-penalized and heavily-fined crew chief for champion driver Jimmie Johnson with a record of multiple serious violations, hereby resolve to memorize the NASCAR rule book.
I, Jimmie Johnson, hereby resolve to be more gracious in victory. After one major win in 2007, the first thing I said after getting out of my car was "This is for all the Jimmie Johnson haters out there." I shouldn't taunt fans of my rivals. After all, they buy tickets to races, too, and watch the TV commercials, both of which have helped make me a multi-millionaire. It was a bush league thing to say.
I, Kevin Harvick, hereby resolve to actually punch somebody during angry confrontations rather than just going through the supposedly macho motions and flapping my jaw.
I, Darrell Waltrip, hereby resolve to drop the tired, lame, annoying "Boogity, boogity, boogity! Let's go racin' , boys!" intro at the start of races my network is telecasting in favor of something more professional. (Imagine the classy pro, Jim Nance, opening NFL telecasts with "Bammity, bammity, bammity! Let's go slobber-knockin', boys!" and you get an idea of how silly Waltrip sounds).
We, NASCAR officials in the control tower, resolve to be consistent in our calls concerning debris on the track, speeding on pit road and other decisions that can and do change the outcome of races.
I, Bruton Smith, hereby resolve to remember the ancient adage, "It is better to give than to receive." Nah, forget it. I like the opposite one better: "The more you have the more you want."
I, Carl Edwards, hereby resolve not to try a multiple somersault from the window ledge of my car after winning a race, no matter that I saw the trapeze artists do it in a circus.
I, Carl Edwards, also hereby resolve to sign up for the Dale Carnegie course, "How To Win Friends And Influence People." Winning friends applies especially to my teammates.
I, Dale Earnhardt, Jr., hereby resolve to try and not slip up even once to mention Budweiser as a sponsor when thanking my new backers.
We, Mark Martin and Bobby Labonte, hereby resolve to remain the consummate pros and gentlemen we have been throughout our careers. (Actually, no resolution needed in either case here).
I Martin Truex, Jr., hereby resolve to catch a bigger largemouth bass than the 10-pounder boated a while back by my crew chief, Kevin "Bono" Bannion. This would make my sponsor, Bass Pro Shops, very happy.
We, executives of the TV networks airing NASCAR motorsports telecasts, hereby resolve to get the witty, insightful Buddy Baker back in the booth as a color commentator and expert analyst.
We, the NASCAR heirarchy, hereby resolve to return the Southern 500 to Darlington Raceway in South Carolina on Labor Day weekend. We concede our big-time circuit will never be the same without it. We further concede that in giving that race date to a track near San Bernardino we were "California Dreamin'." Instead, it has been a nightmare.
We, all the present-day drivers, hereby resolve to profusely express appreciation to NASCAR pioneers every time we happen to meet them. It was these guys, frequently racing three or four times a week in dangerous equipment and conditions, who built the foundation for what stock car racing has become, providing us with luxuries beyond their most grandiose dreams--like private jet planes and $1 million motorhomes.
I, Tony Stewart, hereby resolve not to fall while climbing the fence near the flagstand after a victory and therein risk damaging the pavement at the start/finish line with my rather ample posterior.
Finally, I hereby resolve this is the very end.