[Yellowhammer]

You're probably an Auburn fan if ...

... You can play the Auburn fight song using your armpit.
... Your wife's idea of cleaning house is throwing everything out into the yard.
... The Roto-Rooter man stops by your trailer and asks, "What's that smell?"
... You're a member of the Skoal Frequent Purchaser Program.
... You looked up your family tree and your uncle spit on you.
... You joined Alcoholics Anonymous so you can drink and use a different name.
... You looked out for #1 and stepped in #2 !!!
... You won't buy a Japanese car because you're afraid you won't understand what they say on the radio.
... Your kids go to a private school and they won't tell you where it is.
... Your Granny beats you in the tobacky spittin' contests.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you get an Auburn student off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Alabama fan was driving down a country road when he came upon two Auburn football players hitchiking. He told the Auburn players to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a lake. The Alabama fan scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the two Auburn football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic. As the truck began sinking the Bama fan yelled for the Auburn players to get out truck, to which they replied, "We're tryin' to get out, but we can't get the dang tailgate open!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Auburn fans have been walking in the woods for eight hours when they stop and one turns to the other and says, "I'm cutting the next Christmas tree we find, lights or no lights."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Auburn fan and an Alabama fan both go over to Tunica to do a little gambling. After a couple of hours the Alabama fan was broke. He looks over and sees the Auburn fan with a wheelbarrel full of quarters. The Alabama fan walks over to him and says, "Wow, where did you win all that?" To which the Auburn fan replies, "You see that machine on the wall over there? If you put a dollar in you get four quarters back every time!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the best road sign in Auburn?
Tuscaloosa - 120 miles

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Auburn Engineering students were tasked to measure the height of a flag pole as a class assignment. They decided to measure the flag pole outside of Legion Field at the south end of the stadium. While attempting this task one student would hold the tape while the other climbed the flag pole with the other end of the tape. Much to their disappointment the student climbing the pole kept sliding down and could not get to the top. An astute Alabama graduate was observing from a distance and suggested that the Auburn students disconnect the flag pole and measure the pole while on the ground. The Auburn students enraged by the suggestion yelled out " We want to know how tall it is not how long it is you idiot"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A country bumpkin family from Auburn decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered. While staring at it an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes. The Auburn hick family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again. The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful! Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is Auburn always in the dark?
Because they're afraid of Alabama Power.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A football fan walks into a small shop in Birmingham. He spots a bottle labeled "Alabama Football Player Brains" , $5 an ounce. He asks the clerk if there are any other bottles. The clerk replies, "Well, we've got Tennessee brains for $10 an ounce, and Auburn football brains for $1,000,000 an ounce." The man says, "Why the big difference in price?" The clerk answers,"Do you know how many Auburn football players we have to kill to get an ounce of brains!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What was the last thing David Housel said to Terry Bowden?
Don't let the door knob hit you in the head!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Alabama and an Auburn cheerleader where each late for breakfast at cheerleading camp so they had to eat cereal instead of a hot breakfast. The Alabama cheerleader fixed her bowl of Cheerios and went to sit at a nearby table. The Auburn cheerleader picked up the box and started to poor herself some, but suddenly stopped with a dumb look on her face. The Alabama cheerleader asked her what was wrong, to which the Auburn cheerleader replied, "Nothing. I've just never seen doughnut seeds before!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a litter of puppies and Auburn fans?
The puppies stop whining after 6 weeks.

[Stoney]

That ought to stir some stuff up.